Today I want to start a new chapter in my life. I want to start becoming the person I once thought I was. Somehow over the past few years, I have changed. I guess when I say "somehow", I, in all actuality, know how. I got married, had 2 more kids back to back and life took more twists and turns than I ever thought possible.
I sit in sessions with clients, telling them how important it is to journal their thoughts and feelings- explaining what that process can do for them. Yet, I am a hyprocrite. I never journal anymore. I never take the time to take all my stresses out of my head and put them to paper. They don't even have to be stresses- they can just be daily thoughts. Everything compiles in my brain and I feel like I am on over-drive constantly.
This morning was a perfect example. I set an 8:30am phone interview for an intake appt w/ someone to help Jake. Where am I at 8:30am? In the shower. Why? B/c I woke up at 6:30am and started working. My mind was on getting my paperwork finished so I could have time to do this phone appt, get to my MD appt, and see clients. Yet- I missed the phone appt. Thankfully, she still had time for me and I was able to complete it- all while getting myself dressed, teeth brush and out the door to take Brayden to daycare with my own wet hair. And yes, and btw, I also had on a sweatshirt that I didn't realize had 2 water stains on the front and mismatched socks- while I was wearing slippers! I drive to my appt, getting lost even though my dear husband printed directions, b/c I am so intent on this conversation that I "just know" where I am going as I glance at the directions. Life is crazy!
I am not sure as to why I feel overwhelmed most of the time. I used to feel so confident and assured that I am "good" at what I do. Now I know that I am "ok" at what I do. My career, I know I am good at- not being cocky- just knowing that I enjoy it and hear good feedback from my bosses and clients.
Being a parent- well- this I am not sure of most days. I always thought I was meant to be a parent. I still do. I just think I am not meant to be a fulltime working parent. Trying to juggle priorities, money, kids wishes/desires/needs, while tending to my career- it all just can't get done in my reality. I find I am constantly behind in work, b/c during work hours, I am taking care of kid related things.
Alexis- what can I say- she is a gem! She is truly my first love and always will be. She is also 16! With that comes attitude and her own personal struggles that I can not always fix for her. She is such an amazing child, whom is entering young adulthood in such an awesome way. I panic when I realize I will lose her to the big bad world in a few years. I hope she always knows she is my priority even if my time is crunched.
Jake- wow Jake! You threw me for a loop! Life with Jake is a rollercoaster ride! We have some amazing ups and some turbulent downs. With all that goes on in his world, at the end of the day, he is all smiles and loves and snuggles. I wish things were easier for him in lots of different ways, but no one could ever love Jake more than I!
Brayden- my butterball baby! Gentle giant! Such a mellow baby now getting his own personality. I love that he loves to go outside and stands at the door saying "ow" ("out"). Most likely my last baby and I want him to stay that way forever! I can remember like yesterday, bringing him home into our chaotic world- his first outing the same day to see his sister graduate 8th grade. Such a patient boy with a heart of gold.
My kids are my life and I wouldn't want it any other way. Working full time, having 3 kids of very different ages/doing very different things, a husband, a dog, a cat- my life is never boring! I wouldn't have it any other way!
I started this blog as a way to start my journey with journaling again- if you want to read my babble, feel free. If you don't, that's ok too. My kids will hopefully see a less stressed mom once I take time for myself and that's the most important part for me! :)
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